Over two years ago, I was sitting in the waiting room of our fertility clinic. It was one of the 14 days of consecutive blood draws and ultrasounds during the egg retrieval phase. They do this to check your hormone levels and see if your follicles are numerous enough and large enough to "trigger" the [...]
Two days after I delivered my twin boys via C-section, I stepped out of my hospital gown and into the shower. I was afraid of what I would see when I saw myself post-babies. Would my scar be horrifically stitched? Would my skin be wrinkled and stretched? Would I look like the hallowed out thing [...]
The difficulties of being a mom aren't what I thought they would be. Sure, there's the sleep deprivation, the physical exhaustion, the two screaming babies, the relentless worrying--those are all some what things I expected because everyone tells you all about them. The hardest part, though, isn't any of those--or perhaps, it's a combination of those.
And suddenly I'm on the other side of a phone call I've made so many times, and I'm silent. Her tears come fast, her words frantic and breathing uncontrolled. Another cycle, another failed attempt to become pregnant. And she asks me the question I may never have the answer to, "why?" Why her? Why them? [...]
The sun was setting. Anthony and I were running behind to our bible study. Me, perpetually late--him perpetually trying to make up for my lost time. I hadn't done the readings. "I tried," I told Anthony. The reality was I picked up our workbook and read a few pages about how flawed we humans are [...]
As I sit here wide awake before the sun in our baby boys' room, fresh with new paint and stacks of clothes we've slowly been accumulating, I can't help but recall the many sleepless nights that lead me to this one.
I know with my recent happy news, it may seem like I don't understand what it's like to try and survive a childless holiday, but before the joy of this year, I faced this season like you--cringing at every pregnancy announcement, teary-eyed at the "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, and generally, feeling empty. Last year I [...]
With the same thread That holds the stars in place Your hearts were weaved Cavities where meteors go to rest Your fingers--tiny, compressed galaxies Made to hold worlds And moons And dreams Like mine Your ever-moving, ever-kicking toes Traced in constellations That we used to hope upon Now we know They were just keeping you [...]
This month has been hard. As any of my infertility sisters know, when you're trying to conceive (TTC), you live month to month. Early this month, I was laid off--rather, my department was. It was unexpected and abrupt, though not entirely surprising. I was uncharacteristically okay with it. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy my [...]
I'm not sure where to begin. Logic would say at the beginning, but I can't. It's too much. I know I haven't updated. I know I haven't spoken. My throat got so tired, you see. I opened myself up to ignorance and misunderstanding. I opened myself up--really is the point. And I stopped wanting to [...]
The Messy Middle 