I've never done well with repetition. I've always openly admitted to the fact that I would make the world's worst accountant and rarely get the exact same haircut twice in a row. I don't detest habits or organization, I just have my own way of doing both. Recently, my world has been rocked a lot. [...]
I happens more often than I’d like to admit, but on days when I’m feeling overwhelmed, whether it’s from a long work day, a new restriction update, an irritating brush with a stranger, or the hot water being out, once I get to that point, I have to stop all things. If music is blasting [...]
These past three years have gone by in a blur. My desire for, my seeking and wanting of a child became such a dominant part of my identity that I often felt like I lost myself. By the time the boys finally arrived, I'd all but disappeared. 2018 was a year of moving from one [...]
Two days after I delivered my twin boys via C-section, I stepped out of my hospital gown and into the shower. I was afraid of what I would see when I saw myself post-babies. Would my scar be horrifically stitched? Would my skin be wrinkled and stretched? Would I look like the hallowed out thing [...]
Easter weekend was incredibly emotional for me--not only is Easter the most sacred of celebrations in the Christian faith, it also holds a special place in my life. One year ago, Easter was one of the hardest days of my life. It happened to be the first holiday that came after our failed IUI. For [...]
As I sit here wide awake before the sun in our baby boys' room, fresh with new paint and stacks of clothes we've slowly been accumulating, I can't help but recall the many sleepless nights that lead me to this one.
I know with my recent happy news, it may seem like I don't understand what it's like to try and survive a childless holiday, but before the joy of this year, I faced this season like you--cringing at every pregnancy announcement, teary-eyed at the "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, and generally, feeling empty. Last year I [...]
With the same thread That holds the stars in place Your hearts were weaved Cavities where meteors go to rest Your fingers--tiny, compressed galaxies Made to hold worlds And moons And dreams Like mine Your ever-moving, ever-kicking toes Traced in constellations That we used to hope upon Now we know They were just keeping you [...]
This month has been hard. As any of my infertility sisters know, when you're trying to conceive (TTC), you live month to month. Early this month, I was laid off--rather, my department was. It was unexpected and abrupt, though not entirely surprising. I was uncharacteristically okay with it. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy my [...]
This last week has been full of reflection. I've had a lot of long drives by myself to and from the doctors. It's the first time in a long time that I've been able to look at this journey and think something positive. As I've thought back through these past two and a half years, [...]
The Messy Middle 