People think, like I used to, that when a couple loses their child or children that their loss is shared. The child or children him or herself are shared, but the loss, the loss is different. As I sit here on the first Father’s Day after losing our twin boys on November 29, 2024, that [...]
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Full Circle
It’s the day, March 13, 2025. It’s Eli and Benny’s due date and I’m back at the hospital. The place I should’ve been to greet them. The drive that should’ve been full of me and Anthony weaving through the feelings of anticipation, excitement, nervousness was a quiet drive by myself in the early AM. There’s [...]
Medically Cleared
The doctors' appointments have slowed. I no longer need to see my urologist. I no longer need to see my obstetrician. I no longer need to go to maternal-fetal medicine. I never got to meet the Fellow who was supposed to be on our case, and I never will. I've canceled my IV appointments. I've [...]
For the daughterless mother
These last few days on social media there has been a wave of parents sharing photos of their children for #nationalsonsday and #nationaldaughtersday. I know these days are particularly challenging for those fighting through infertility--a reminder of what everyone else has and another new "holiday" to dread.Being six years removed from our infertility journey, it [...]
The prayer of letting go
As I drive home from yet another doctor's office with a bag full of healthy scans and a body full of ails, I realize the thing I've been avoiding. I had to get an ultrasound to check for cysts on my ovaries. While they sound scary to passerby's, they're quite normal for us with PCOS. [...]
What Am I Worth?
I’ve been contemplating the idea of value quite a lot recently. Having just been laid off, it’s a question that can somewhat naturally come to mind. What am I worth? We may ask, and the silence of our former employer may be the answer that feels too quiet to bear. But I remember a quote [...]
Purposeful Disruption
I've never done well with repetition. I've always openly admitted to the fact that I would make the world's worst accountant and rarely get the exact same haircut twice in a row. I don't detest habits or organization, I just have my own way of doing both. Recently, my world has been rocked a lot. [...]
First Birthday Parties (And Other Things He Won’t Remember)
Oliver turned one. And, like most things over the past year, it looked a bit different than we expected. We opted to have his day be just the five of us (though I may have decorated for 50...). I was waning and waxing about doing much of anything as it seemed silly to and perhaps [...]
Cutting the Noise
I happens more often than I’d like to admit, but on days when I’m feeling overwhelmed, whether it’s from a long work day, a new restriction update, an irritating brush with a stranger, or the hot water being out, once I get to that point, I have to stop all things. If music is blasting [...]
Chasing Time
Tonight is Oliver’s first official night out of our room (that is, unless, of course, I change my mind and sneak him back into our room). I sit, rocking him, nursing him as he drifts off to sleep, and I think about his little body tucked against mine. I think about he’s not as small [...]
The Messy Middle 