I’ve never done well with repetition. I’ve always openly admitted to the fact that I would make the world’s worst accountant and rarely get the exact same haircut twice in a row.

I don’t detest habits or organization, I just have my own way of doing both.

Recently, my world has been rocked a lot. My heart has been dead set on disruption when our lives had finally come to a calm.

This is the longest period of time I haven’t been pregnant or nursing since I got my first BFP (big fat positive) with our twins three years ago. Anthony and I have both maintained our jobs during COVID, and we got into a rhythm of balancing a nanny at our home and our own work schedules.

It was calm, maybe even comfortable, but we were closer to the edge than I think either of us realized.

My heart began to burn. God laid some hard truths on me. I wasn’t living the life I purported to follow. I wasn’t chasing Him. I wasn’t pursuing His purpose for me. I was meandering in the direction I’d convinced myself was close enough to His plan.

And while God’s truths were hard, I know I could not have truly heard them several years ago. His gentle nudges compounded. The small gap I left open in my heart, He pushed open, and what flooded out was nothing I was proud of.

I realized that, though I’ve grown up knowing Him so well in certain ways, I was so oblivious in others.

There were a few catalysts for me.

One was reading the book Chaos Can’t by Allen Arnold. It was the first Christian based book I’d ever willingly read and I devoured it. It brought so much clarity to God’s purpose for creativity–something I’ve long struggled to see. This is a great book for all people, even and especially those who do not think of themselves as creative.

This escalated to another book, Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. I’ve been a long time listener of their podcast, Wild at Heart (which I also highly recommend. It’s the first and still my favorite Christian podcast with something for everyone.) I shed many a tear reading this as it speaks so deeply to the heart of women. I felt so seen, heard, and cared for by the Lord in my experience of this book. I also started Becoming Myself by Staci as well.

There were a few really important things that happened as a result of this. I’ve never considered myself a reader. I’ve always considered myself a writer. And these two have created a paradox that constantly left me feeling insecure. After all, what kind of writer doesn’t like to read? It also broke down a huge barrier for me of hating any book that speaks to growing yourself. I still don’t like self-help books, but it was always from a place of more insecurity that I could never do what these books told me to.

These are two agreements I made much earlier in my life than I ever realized and kept me from being open to what God had in store for me.

The next big thing was that I started the tv series The Chosen (if you haven’t seen it or need encouragement in these troubling times, I HIGHLY recommend the series). Which walks through the story of Jesus’s disciples. It made me realize how little I actually knew about each of these individuals’ stories. And, while this once would’ve made me anxious, insecure, and self-shaming, it made me curious.

Who were these men and women who knew Jesus so intimately? I think one of the things that really pushed me forward was seeing how imperfect these individuals were. I saw myself in each and every person, in every sin, every imperfection, and failure. It was the first time I think I really saw myself in Jesus’s story this way.

Lastly, at my organization, one of the founders and owners shared his story of moving his family to Brazil from the states. I found it absolutely incredible, of course the question was, why? I followed his story and learned more about it. He felt called to this place. He felt he could make a difference not just by doing missionary work, but by teaching these individuals skills that could help them build a better life for themselves.

He has young children and a wife who do not speak the native language. This seemed absolutely crazy. Again, the question was, “why?”

I had to know more. I reached out to him and asked to speak with him. He responded quickly and kindly, saying he’d gladly talk to me.

When we hopped on a call the first thing he asked completely caught me off guard. He said, “what do you need help with?” I explained that I was just looking to understand why and how he made these life altering decisions when I struggle with picking out an outfit every morning.

And again, he asked, “but what do you need help with?” I asked how on earth he could confidently make such a life altering decision. “How do you know if God is telling you to do something?”

He then explained, using the Word, not his own words. One of the many verses he cited was John 21:17.

He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.”

John 21:17, ESV

He looked at me like it was the most simple thing in the world. “He tells us, Lindsay. If you love him, feed his sheep.” He also told me that in order to feed others, we must first feed ourselves. “Put on your oxygen mask first, right?” he said. And I realized how long it’d been since I’d really breathed.

I explained how I actively did not want to read the Bible for so many years, but that now, I was finally open to the idea. I just had absolutely no idea where to start.

He then graciously connected me with his wife to walk through the Word together.

It hasn’t been long, but we’ve been working through various Bible studies together. I’ve selected books that are completely new to me. I wanted to see them with fresh eyes.

I’ve struggled through it. We started with Ruth, then Mark (which I’ve not yet finished), and have now read through Habakkuk which we are doing an entire study (here’s a link if you’re interested). I’ve read and reread many verses, completely confused and uncertain of what they mean. But in the Parable of the Sower, Jesus says,

“For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.

Mark 4:24-25, ESV

I believe the more I try and struggle to understand, the more God will reveal to me and open my mind and heart to understanding.

God’s been shaking my world up. He’s shaken me and he is changing me. Necessarily, how I am looking at and pursuing life will likely change too.

I’ll never blame my actions on God, but I will say that I am trying my best to follow what I believe His directions are. And, maybe for the first time ever, I am earnestly trying to hear and obey.

Here’s the truth of God in my life: in the last few years, He has taken an angry, bitter, self-hating, desolate, guilt-ridden woman convinced that I didn’t need anyone or anything and turned me into someone open to the Word, softer in heart, and more certain of myself. It’s not the “I’ve dropped 50 pounds” type of before and after you might want to see, but it is progress. It’s more of a few pounds here and there that may come back on after a week of weakness. It’s effort. And it is pursuit. Those things are seen and those things matter.

I’ve gone from staying even physically within where I was comfortable and moved to somewhere that is, at times, dauntingly unfamiliar. He has opened my eyes to the beauty of His creation in nature–pushed me to be outside more and to get my hands in the earth to experience His glory here. Something I haven’t done much since being a child. He has shaken the way I look at relationships and cracked my unmoving resolve to love none other than those I had to. He has shown me the beauty in creating and has been revealing, in His time and His wisdom, how best for me to use this for His glory. He’s shown me how much others’ opinions of me dictated my life. From the stranger down the street to my closest friends, I was living my life to please them rather than pleasing God.

I’m not sure what additional sort of disruption God has in store for me, but I believe He is hard at work on the most broken parts of me. I believe that He is guiding me to the purpose He created me for. I believe he is equipping me to be more than I ever thought I could be.

It’s been scary and at times, incredibly painful. I’ve cried out in confusion and frustration, sometimes wishing that my heart wouldn’t change so much. But it has only been balanced by the joy of freedom and light that I’ve experienced as well.

I don’t know what His plan is for me or for the changes he’s ignited inside of me. I just pray to keep it burning.