There were so many days in these past three years when I had to force my heart to accept that I would never get to meet you. I asked myself many times if it was stronger to let you go or hold on to hope of you for dear life, and I constantly teetered on the edge of each.

I did my best to be brave, but I failed all the time. I prayed a lot. But the longer I waited without you, the more my prayers became cries of anger and the less frequently I spoke with God. I didn’t know how to exist in a world where you didn’t exist as well. As hard as I tried I couldn’t make my heart stop wanting you. It was like you were already a part of me and I was wandering, trying to find where I’d lost you along the way.

Wanting and not having you was the most excruciating pain I’ve ever endured in my life. I still feel the parts of my heart that went missing along the way to you.

The day that we found out that we were pregnant was one of the most amazing days of my life, just behind the day we found out that we were pregnant with both of you. But it wasn’t safe to love you yet. There were too many things that could go wrong–that had gone wrong for others around us. I don’t think I felt safe to include you both in our forever dreams until recently, really. Even now, I’m not ready to call you by your names. Not until I see your faces. Not until you are in my arms and I can see for myself that you are wonderfully, truly ours. That you are mine.

And now, I sit here, looking at your nursery, holding my belly which has held you for these past 34 weeks, and I’m so filled with hope for our future that it overwhelms me.

Soon enough, my loves. Soon enough.