Today marks the celebration of moms everywhere. It’s a day full of flowers, the best attire we can pull out of the back of our closets, fancy lunches/dinners, and hand-made or shiny new gifts. It’s one of those days that used to be so simple to me–a day, a single day dedicated to recognizing my mom. When I was a kid, that usually meant making something for my mom at school–something she was unlikely to keep as my mom has never been a hoarder and truth-be-told, kids aren’t all as talented as their grandparents tell them they are.

Now, I realize how complex this “Hallmark” holiday can be–I realize it can be a reminder of what has been lost or, perhaps, never had. I realize it can be a day full of unwelcome extravagance, tradition, or obligation.

For the last three years, Mother’s Day has been full of locking myself in bathrooms and closets to cry and pull myself together. For me it was a day that highlighted the accomplishment of motherhood–a feat I had not been able to succeed in. Last year was especially difficult because it came after our failed IUI and right at the beginning stages of IVF when we knew it would be at least several months before we’d have an opportunity to conceive. But, I resolved to put on my best dress for church and celebrate the wonderful mothers in my life (read more about that here Today is Not Your Mother’s Day) But, it didn’t come without a few stolen tears shed and lots of deep breaths.

This year is different for me, because this year I’m pregnant. Even now, at 35 weeks with our identical twin boys, it feels surreal to say this. After three and a half long years of nothing but negative pregnancy tests, I’m still in awe that I was chosen for this incredible responsibility.

I’ve had several friends and family members wish me a Happy Mother’s Day–which has been so thoughtful and much appreciated. But, to be honest, I don’t yet feel like a mom. I feel like I’m stuck in between being an infertility warrior–fighting like hell for these babies and deteriorating in the battle and being a life-giver–introducing these little ones into the world.

It got me to thinking that there are probably a lot of other moms who feel in between on this day–who feel too removed to claim that this day belongs to them but who also feel the incredibly powerful love that only a mother has for a child or that a child has for a mother.

For any other in between mamas, whether you are “in between” because you are coping with loss, distance, abandonment, or if you’re a mom that’s just overwhelmed, checked out, or over stressed. Or if you are an “almost” mama waiting on your BFP, or for that call telling you you’ve been selected. Or if you are like me, feeling a bit too small to wear the title of “Mom,” just yet, know that you aren’t alone. You will find your way out of the grey. You will be able to live in motherhood the way that you’ve envisioned. I wish I could tell you when; I wish I could tell you why this day has to have a shadow on it for you–but light is around the bend–sweet ones. Just hold out for the sunshine.